Why review marriage? A few reasons:
- Marriage is likely someone's longest relationship with a (hopefully) non-blood relative, excluding childhood friendships, which often peter out anyway.
- Marriage contributes significantly to stable childhoods and less messed-up young adults.
- Marriage has taken a hit among younger generations, and predictably, so have rates of childbirth.
- Marriage provides meaning, stability, and safety for those involved.
- Marriage has been happening for a long time, and people generally don't keep doing stupid things so consistently for so long.
Background
My two-year anniversary came and went faster than I would've thought possible. I'm well outside the honeymoon phase, if I were ever in it considering we didn't take one. Things are going well in my marriage, though we are dealing with nonstandard relationship issues. I am from the United States, while my wife is German. She wants to live in Germany. I want to live here. She wants to be close to her parents, and I don't share that compulsion—nothing against my parents! She speaks English, but I don't speak German (yet).
These are interesting—sometimes frustrating—realities that we are managing in addition to the usual suspects, and I think that's enough background for me to continue.
Detractors
Let's start with skepticism, sometimes hostility, toward marriage. I see two main group of skeptics: 1) younger people who deride it as something like a patriarchal, tyrannical vestige of bygone days when women were trapped and men the trappers; and 2) older people jaded by failed relationships, including failed marriages. I understand the rationale driving the second group. It makes sense. At least they learned from real experience. I disagree with their conclusions however. Pessimism, throwing the baby out with the bathwater, and nihilism (in more extreme cases) aren't solutions to the problems that beset the original marriages and relationships. The first group, though, is a mess, one I have seen up close and personal. Younger people questioning the wisdom of marriage are proclaiming their naivety, not insight.
People can and do have a choice. Maybe that's all we have. Getting married is an important choice, maybe the most important choice. Regurgitating trite postmodern-inflected, so-called criticisms of marriage is tossing that choice in the dirt and spitting on it. Taking time to find a worthy partner or being choosy isn't what I'm talking about, though I have heard about many younger women struggling with these in modern America. That's a different review. What I'm talking about is the rejection of the idea of marriage for essentially dumb, emotional reasons.
Benefits
Marriage is a legal contract (an important one!), yet it's so much more. Saying “my wife” or “my husband” is a strangely good feeling. Waking up every morning next to someone who can't dump you via text for whatever reason or ghost you is a nontrivial plus in today's world. Regularly having sex and not having to worry about STDs is a relief. Pregnancy on the other hand… The standard deduction for married couples filing jointly doesn't hurt. Building a series of inside jokes, which function to reinforce the marital bond and provide much-needed levity, is one of my favorite things. We have our own two-person language, and it's only been two years. Imagine what five years will bring.
Commitment is key
As an introvert, I understand that commitment can be burdensome. How much do I really want to attend happy hour after work? And it's on a Thursday? Should I say “Maybe I'll come” when asked? Would I be lying? Yes, so I don't lie. “Not today.”
At the same time, I understand the power of commitment, of saying something and meaning it. That's related to reputation, reliability, and other important things. I am committed to my work. I am committed to my personal interests. Why would I commit myself to my then-girlfriend? Of course I would. I did. By the way, I can recommend Blue Nile for the hesitant ring shopper as well: good prices, good selections, easy to understand, online, no pressure. Full disclosure: I don't receive any money from the company.
Commitment isn't easy, not always, nor is it meant to be. I also don't enjoy waking up early for work and spending over an hour commuting. I do, however, enjoy the benefits: the money, being productive, spending time with (some of) my colleagues. Likewise, I enjoy the benefits of commitment to my wife and our marriage. We are building something together, and we're in it together, strapped in on side-by-side seats of a roller coaster we can't stop, one with ups and downs, fast parts and slow parts, moments of terror and moments of joy. As a matter of fact, my wife wakes up early to drive me to the bus station because we only have one car. That's a sign of her commitment, and I love her for it.
I think the main obstacle to marriage other than miseducation is that younger people will have a harder time making connections in the physical world that lead to marriages compared to older generations. And in the online world, the hit rate is still pretty low, and dating apps come with serious downsides that exacerbate many of the issues arising from miseducation. I don't have a solution for these problems, except one.
I recommend marriage to unmarried people close to me, not in an annoying way. I'm tactical. Mention it, the benefits and sometimes the downsides because the truth matters. Don't overdo it. Tailor the message to the person. This is an effective approach because I promote marriage to people close to me, though I'm obviously branching out with this review.
Some people will swear against marriage, and that's fine. Many people still smoke, let alone do other, less deadly stupid stuff. My concern is that these people will realize their foolishness eventually, and it may be too late, or at least they missed out on years of joy and stability and progress.
My grandparents were married for well over 50 years before my grandma passed away. That blows my mind. That's commitment.