Summer Camp For Sluts: Young Swingers Week at Hedonism II in Negril, Jamaica

Note: This review contains a lot of end notes. It is also divided into fairly small sections. For scrolling convenience, I have placed the end notes for each section at the end of the section rather than at the end of the review.

DAY SIX

We hit a real nadir as a couple this morning. My wife has just gotten so tired and overstimulated that she became unable to sleep, getting maybe 4-5 hours total in the previous two nights. We agreed[1] that we weren’t cut out for this and we’d never come again.

Then by afternoon we were on the nude beach with our boyfriend and girlfriend, propositioning a smoking hot newbie couple for a soft swap.

The only other thing I’ve ever attended that is like Hedonism II (hereafter: Hedo) is Burning Man (hereafter: The Burn). Both are nominally vacations but are actually ordeals, transformational experiences that test and hone and break as much as they entertain or comfort.

Both can be truly unforgiving. The proper analogy is to climbing a mountain. The Burn and Hedo operate in different ways but they both operate at an intensity that puts one in mind of the immortal words most often misattributed to Josef Stalin: “Quantity has a quality all its own.”

Music too loud? Fuck you, get drunk and you can stand it. Can’t stay awake? Fuck you, take drugs and you never have to sleep. Overstimulated? Fuck you, go to your room, but there will be music pounding not far off 24/7, everyone will be getting laid but you, and we’re still charging you for every minute you waste trying to rid yourself of vertigo and recalibrate your senses. Tired of constant socializing at the vocal volume of people being murdered? What the fuck are you even doing here?! You spent thousands and bought dark web dick pills and starved yourself and found someone to take your stupid kid for a week and flew across the hemisphere and didn’t get killed in two hours on Jamaican roads and it was all for NOTHING unless you party and flirt and fuck your way from the breakfast table to the nude pool hot tub afterparty every single goddamn day!

Hedo is trickier than The Burn, though, because it’s a resort, so it seems like it should be easy going, and indeed, it advertises itself as such. The Burn is as it says on the tin: It does nothing for you and you better get ready for anything. At Hedo, you will not wash a dish or cook a meal or clean a mess, but it can absolutely chew you up in exactly the same way[2] and make you rue the day you bought the ticket before it spits you out.

[1] After an unpleasant moment in the middle of the dining hall.

[2] This is, of course, assuming you’re a serious swinger. There is absolutely a way to treat Hedo like a normal resort and just enjoy being naked in a sexy atmosphere. This review is not about that. This review is about Being In The Mix.

DAY ONE

Well, O’Hare sucks. In general, going to the Caribbean from the West Coast kinda sucks.[3] It’s also just a long way, and someone might be forgiven for asking “Why not just go to Hawaii or Mexico?”[4]

The answer mostly has to do with the structure of the swinging scene and the vagaries of resort rules. There are no all-inclusive resorts in Hawaii at all, and a Swingers resort basically has to be all-inclusive for privacy and security reasons. Mexico has a number of swingers resorts, most famously Desire and other Maya Riviera properties. However, they are considered[5] more prude in their rules[6] whereas Hedo is wide open.[7]

Desire, et al are also reputed to be more luxe from an amenities and dining perspective, but personally that is a tertiary consideration. I can get excellent food in Washington, I do not need to fly to a warmer climate in search of it.

My main goal is to be around the biggest, hottest, wildest group of likeminded sluts[8] humankind can possibly assemble, and while perhaps Europe has something that can match Young Swingers Week at Hedo, as far as The New World goes, this is it.

So that’s why Hedo and sort of why this week, but how does this week compare to other weeks and why specifically this one? Well, even within the institutional context of a single resort, there is significant variation between the weeks, so it actually really matters which one you book.

For example: This week at Hedo it is Couples[9] Only,[10] whereas normally single males are allowed to attend at least in limited number.[11] The presence or absence of single men has a profound effect on a swinging scene. Consent and politeness are typically enforced—and Hedo actually has a pretty good culture of consent overall, at least in my limited experience and that of the women I talked with—but the pure energy of horny single dudes is still pretty palpable.

Another example: In the month before Young Swingers Week there is Bisexual Week, which basically means that dudes are allowed to suck each other’s dicks in public.[12] Of course one has to imagine it’s happening this week in private at least some, and men are allowed to wear the rainbow beads on their necklaces[13] that indicate openness to it, and if someone did it in public they certainly might get away with it, but it is not done or even discussed openly in any venue in which I am present.

But definitely the single biggest reason why this week and not another week is the age restriction—Maximum age is 45. In general, swinging skews older. Resorts, in particular, skew older, because that’s who has the money to go[14]. My wife and my previous Lifestyle resort experience was in the Canary Islands during our honeymoon, and upon arriving at the resort we realized that the average age was about 70, with very little variance. Whoops!

The underlying principle here is that *the other people are the whole experience*. We work the Facebook group before we go, we go out the first night or two and aggressively introduce ourselves to people,[15] and we kept in touch with people that we met last year,[16] many of whom are returning. I am nervous because there’s no guaranteed play or experience, but we’re doing all we can!

[3] There is no direct flight from Seattle to Jamaica, thus my knowledge of O’Hare’s petty humiliations.

[4] My mother, for example, who asked this question repeatedly until I was forced to admit the truth to her.

[5] The passive voice here indicates that I have not been to these properties and am characterizing them based on reviews from other swingers with whom I spoke.

[6] No sex in public, most importantly.

[7] Two big rules at Hedo are no vaping in the pool and no clothes anywhere near the nude pool or nude beach, to give you an idea.

[8] I consider this word a compliment, and also genderless. There’s a stereotype that all men are just constantly horny and promiscuous, but this is untrue. Some of us are much worse than others.

[9] Or Throuples, which is just what it sounds like.

[10] I think single women are allowed, but I didn’t meet any. It’s all couples.

[11] There is a bit of a scandal this week because apparently Hedo allowed five single men to book rooms and people are mad about it. I never met one, and I don’t understand why they would want to attend. It seems like it would be a socially and sexually excruciating experience.

[12] Every week is bisexual week for the ladies. Not all women who attend are bisexual, but there’s definitely some amount of pressure/expectation to be that I could imagine being awkward if you’re just a really straight woman.

[13] Upon arriving at Hedo everyone is given a necklace with their name spelled out in beads. More about this later.

[14] For a couple you’re looking at ~4k for the week in a basic room and not including flights. (But the basic rooms are fine and there’s actually not that much variation.)

[15] No small task for an ambivert like me to summon that kind of social battery!

[16] This is our second year at Hedo, and we met our boyfriend and girlfriend here last year.

Glossary of Swinging Types and Terms, some of which are used widely and some of which I made up for this review:

1. SOFT SWAP - Playing in the same room. May involve touching between the women or between the non-married men and women, but no penetration.
2. FULL SWAP - A married couple swapping and having full on intercourse with another couple, either in the same room or separately.
3. CASUAL PLAY - Playing in a public space in a social capacity, which means hooking up and socializing at the same time. Usually just some kissing and touching, although it can certainly escalate.
4. DAYTIME PLAYTIME - Play during the day, rather than at the end of a long night, which is something I made up the first year and I’m trying to get it going, both as a common swinging term and as a legitimized option for people who don’t keep goddamn raccoon hours.
5. PUBLIC PLAY - Play in public that is enough to attract attention. Usually includes oral or intercourse, or a BDSM/kink element.
6. A SCENE - An instance of play. Can be anything, including things that don’t seem overtly sexual, if the people involved are getting off on it.
7. HARD LIMIT - An activity someone does not want to engage in no matter the circumstances.
8. SOFT LIMIT - An activity someone might engage in under the right circumstances, but isn’t fully comfortable with.
9. TAKING ONE FOR THE TEAM - Having sex with someone you’re not attracted to so that your partner can have sex with their (hotter) partner.[17]
10. GROUP PLAY - Everyone in the same bed playing together.
11. SAME-ROOM PLAY - Everyone in the same room but in different places, with the swapped couples playing separately.
12. PILLOW PRINCESS - Someone who receives pleasure but is uninterested in reciprocating.
13. SEPARATE-ROOM SWAP - A full swap where the shuffled couples are in separate rooms playing, away from the spouses.
14. THE LIFESTYLE[18] - Swinging writ large, usually referring specifically to clubs and resorts, but also sometimes to private events.
15. TALKING TO - Considering playing with someone, and flirting with them to gauge chemistry.

[17] Every couple says they don’t do this, but my guess is that everybody has done it at some point, they just don’t admit it even to their partner or themselves.

[18] I find this term kind of icky for some reason.

DAY ONE

We pull up to the hotel and are greeted with “Welcome Home!” in the unmistakable Jamaican patois. They will not let us touch our own bags. Drinks are shoved in our hands[19]. We attempt to FaceTime our son but he wants nothing to do with us because he is busy bossing around Nanny and Nano[20]. The front desk lady tries to use my wife’s hula hoop and fails miserably, causing general delight among the staff[21]. We go to the beach and see a sunset with three distinct types of light emanating from a strangely-shaped cloud bank, a kind of sunset I’ve never seen before. We are immediately offered any drugs we can imagine[22] by a guy in a red hat who is part of a drug-dealing operation the structure of which becomes something of an obsession for me as the week progresses. We see a couple we played with last year on our way back and I remember that the guy actually did offer me a blowjob, the only time that has happened in two years at the resort.[23] So that’s the first hour!

One of the coolest things they do at Hedo is give everyone a necklace with their name spelled out in beads the moment they arrive, and have a strong culture of people wearing them almost all the time.[24] The necklaces have different color strings to indicate different levels of comfort with swinging—from “just watching” to “bring it on”[25]. They also have beads that indicate different interests, like LGBT, BDSM, or availability for solo play.[26]

The necklaces might sound kind of cheesy, but they are honestly the single biggest social lubricant of the week besides drugs. If you have a common name, I highly recommend adding a descriptive modifier to your name as it appears on your necklace. “Hot Dan” is easier to remember than one of seven Dans nobody knows anything about.

Other things about which I was reminded at this point and which I really enjoy about Hedo:

—Jamaica is a non-tipping culture. Like, they get offended if you try. The resort is expensive[27] but you pay what you see on the bill. There are extras you can pay for, of course, but I didn’t spend a dollar outside of the menu price, and I never once lacked for something to do.

—No photos or videos of any kind are allowed. This is the only rule that I would say is enforced strictly, and although it’s obviously done for privacy reasons, the result is that most people just leave their phones in their rooms. The degree to which this elevates conversations, makes people feel more present, and just livens the whole atmosphere up is wonderful. There’s no other word for it.[28]

Hedo is set up with a Nude Side and a Prude Side.[29] There’s a central dining hall[30] just inside the lobby, with a bar that lets out onto the deck of the Prude Pool, an awesome pool that I swam in once last year and in which other than that I have hardly seen anybody stick a toe.[31]

Down to the left from there is the Prude Side, the quieter side for sure, down to the Prude Beach with a quiet bar and lots of chairs. Down to the right from the dining hall is the Nude Side, and in the very back, the Nude Pool, where the party really happens. More from there later.

So dinner the first night is on the Prude Beach, and even though people have been walking around naked all day it’s now “Pirates and Mermaids” night[32] and people are wearing various states of dress and undress and this is when you really come face-to-face with why you came here: ~500 people who are on average much more attractive[33] than the average American[34], all of whom have spent a large sum of money to declare that they are extremely open-minded about fucking the everliving shit out of the hottest people they can find this week.

[19] A note on drinks: The margaritas are terrible here. The Tequila Sunrises are marginally better. Best is to tell them *exactly* what you want in the drink, not make it too fancy, and then they’re pretty good. The people serving drinks here are heroes and I do not mean to imply they’re bad at their jobs, I couldn’t hack it for a day.

[20] One of his several grandmas and grandpas, with whom he is staying this week in Mexico.

[21] I find it somewhat difficult to understand Jamaicans, except when they start laughing and joking with each other, at which point it’s completely impossible.

[22] His actual words were: “I’m like the CVS around here, Brotha!”

[23] And which was a very friendly and generous gesture, I hasten to add!

[24] Way more places in life should do this. ALL parties should do this!

[25] (With consent, ofc. There’s no string that means people can just walk up and start groping you.)

[26] “We only play together” is a common and understandable limit for couples.

[27] To me. I’m sure there are much more expensive ones where the other guests don’t even have the common decency to fuck you!

[28] It makes me wish we’d never invented the damn things, frankly.

[29] These are, of course, relative terms. “Prude” in this case meaning you are allowed but not required to wear clothes. The only place you absolutely have to wear clothes is in the restaurants, and even there they are pretty lax as long as you have anything covered that might leak grossness onto their chairs.

[30] Think nice-college-level facility.

[31] It’s actually cool to have a really underutilized pool if you need a break and somewhere quiet to chill for a while, I consider this a real amenity.

[32] Costumes are a big deal here.

[33] This is the most attractive and age-appropriate group of swingers I, personally, have ever been around, and it’s not close.

[34] They are far from all American, of course. I met people from as far as Dubai and Estonia. And Canadians are weirdly overrepresented, like 10x what you would expect based on pure population numbers.

Thematic exposition that was written much later but seems to belong here:

Is swinging bad? Is polyamory[35] bad? More to the point here, are they actually even *perceived* as bad anymore? The slogan of Hedo is “Be Bad For A Week”, and I’m sure when it was founded it felt genuinely countercultural, but now I find my eyes wanting to roll at that idea. In the age of Donald Trump’s America[36], the idea of married people sleeping around *with their spouse’s permission* seems tame and almost quaint to me.

It’s certainly true that most people here tell their families they went to Sandals[37], and that it’s a Hedo tradition to walk down the beach and take a single picture in front of Sandals to send home to potentially judgmental loved ones. Whether that means that swinging is still “really” countercultural and dangerous is up for debate. What’s not up for debate is that none of the people doing it talk as if they think they’re maybe potentially doing something bad, either in the sense of moral fear or the sense of titillation. There is discussion of external judgment, but the object-level moral valence of swinging is not discussed at Hedo, ever, as far as I can tell.

What people talk about liking about Hedo is the likemindedness and intimacy of the group dynamic. Most square people will not cast horrible judgment on us if they find out[38], but they will not understand. They’ll think it’s weird, and maybe be curious, but then they’ll go home to their monogamous marriages that are maybe a little boring at times but definitely comfortable and safe, and they’ll shake their heads and wonder what the hell is going on in all of our heads, and knowing that’s how others see you—even if it’s not a moral judgment—can be isolating.

And thus, to be in a group of likeminded people, who require no explanations, is this incredible feeling of freedom and relief. If you’ve had these urges in your mind for a long time and consigned yourself to feeling lonely with them a lot, that relief is paradise.

[35] The swinging/polyamorous distinction is basically “We are a married couple having sex with other married couples, but our emotional connection to them is strictly limited in some ways” vs. “We are emotionally connecting to other people, typically dating separately, and the limits on our outside relationships are more up for negotiation.” (Or some people date “solo poly” without a primary partner—it’s a much more umbrella term.) This distinction is, of course, not a bright line but a continuum, it’s just useful to have a sense of the difference. My wife and I are proudly polyamorous, which typically means at Hedo we are more interested than average in going on dates with other couples, spending time getting to know them before playing, etc. (Although we are much LESS insistent on that than the median American!)

[36] This is not a political essay—I’m speaking about the Trump aesthetic, particularly the not-even-disguised serial adultery.

[37] A well-known resort next door to Hedo.

[38] If this review becomes a finalist I plan to put my name on it, and I realize I am setting myself up to learn a hard lesson about other people’s judgment here, but it’s what I think and so fate I shall tempt.

DAY THREE

The gym at Hedo is an experience all its own. The fittest people from a group selected for fitness all working out and showing off for each other like grade-schoolers at recess. I’m not sure if this is strategic or not, but the gym is small and it has A.C, but it’s set high enough that everyone is glistening, and everyone is dressed slutty, and there’s four people wearing matching “Quad Goals” tank tops and overall the place has what we might call primo vibes. There is also a yoga-type open room next door where a twerking class[39] is going on the whole time I’m working out one day, and you’d better believe the wall dividing the two rooms is made of glass.

It’s a nice microcosm of this whole resort experience. I would characterize Hedonism as a replacement-level resort[40]. It’s all good but nothing exceptional[41]. BUT, everything is thought through for people who want a swinger summer camp and it all works together when you get the right people here.

Excellent beds, as you’d imagine at a place like this. King-sized, medium-soft. A/C works very well although you can tell it’s working hard because it’s louder than I’d wish it was. Wifi is fast and consistent. I watched the OKC Thunder game last night after my wife went to bed because the modern world is a goddamn miracle.

I really enjoy the affect of the Jamaican hotel staff as compared to other foreign customer service folks I’ve encountered. They are solicitous and friendly but not obsequious or even unfailingly polite. If you do something dumb they may roll their eyes or even laugh, and they will definitely bark orders at you if they need you to move or whatever. It’s sort of “customer service cured of its codependence” and it meshes well with my personality, although people who want to be treated like royalty should look elsewhere.

[39] A remarkably well-attended and uniformly spandex-clad twerking class, I hasten to add.

[40] Disclosure: I do not have much resort experience—I was an adventure traveler until parenthood hit so it all seems quite luxurious to me—but this is my guess based on talking to a lot of people.

[41] (and, like, better than kings and queens 100 years ago, obviously)

Things available at the resort that I have not found time to experience in two visits but that may well be excellent:

—Catamaran Rides to far-flung beaches - The weather was terrible this year and the trip was by several accounts an unpleasant disaster, and I heard one guy absolutely screaming at the hotel staff without being quite clear about what they should be doing about it, but presumably it’s not always like that.

—The Playroom - I’ve stopped by during the day and it sure looks fun, but they should open it earlier.

—The Spa - I can get the painful Thai massages I prefer for $50 an hour a mile from my house, there’s no way I’m going to pay a multiple of that amount to have them not go nearly hard enough on me.

—The Piano Bar - The piano player is reportedly excellent and they allow guests to sing karaoke, which sounds awesome, but alas, it also does not open until 10.

—The Wine Bar - You have to pay by the bottle for wine here. I like good wine, but I also like Red Stripe and Tequila Sodas and they’re literally all over the place and included in the room price, so…

—Weedo Heedo - They have an on site dispensary, but I brought vape cartridges in my checked luggage and had no need.

DAY ONE

The first night is all butt-sniffing. I’m sure some people get there and immediately start pairing off, but the incentive against that is that the first night or two are the best time to make hot new friends since *everybody* is trying to meet people then, and it seems like most people follow that incentive.

We meet some people from last year, we smile at people across the way who we will try to talk to later, and ultimately there is a moment right when your plate of food gets full from the buffet that you look at the half-full 10-person round tables, try to spot someone who looks cute, walk over to them, and ask if they want some company without your voice breaking or your face doing anything weird.

The great thing about the culture of Hedo is that doing this straightforwardly works. I have never one time been looked at weirdly for doing this! There is a sincerity available when it’s just out there on the table that everybody is sluts and wants to fuck each other, and that sincerity is deeply missing from our modern life.

DAY TWO

So, the nude pool. It’s too loud, as all things of its ilk are, but it’s also extremely fun and if you just stand there long enough, an attractive person will likely ask if they can rub glitter on your genitalia.[42] There’s an emcee yelling heavily-accented gibberish into a microphone, and a dozen beautiful Jamaicans standing poolside and gyrating, and intermittently there are contests for hottest body or most sexual positions achieved[43] in ten seconds[44].

Also, it’s only Sunday and people are full-on fucking in the grotto and the tertiary hot tubs already. This bodes well for the week.[45]

[42] This is not a hypothetical example.

[43] “Achieved” meaning “simulated”. The real thing would be an incredible feat with that much of an audience.

[44] The woman of the couple who ends up winning the sexual positions contest is so turned on by the experience that she drops to her knees and starts fellating people indiscriminately.

[45] There is typically a progression in people’s comfort level as the week progresses, so that much ice-breaking this early on in the week raises the overall ceiling on the level of bacchanalia possible by Friday.

DAY THREE

There are definitely different shifts/crews at Hedo. We are proud Daytime Crew, which is necessitated by our sleep needs and our distaste for cocaine[46]. There are lots of daytime events, so fine, but the playroom[47] doesn’t even open until 10 pm, and we haven’t actually even once gone and played there. We are determined to make it this year, but I am not in fact hopeful.

Speaking of daytime activities, speed dating! Two rings of couples, an inner and an outer, in chairs facing each other. They feed you a sex-themed question in each round, and then two minutes later, the inner ring moves down two chairs. Standard speed-dating thing, except doubled.

Small sample size and catty opinion incoming, but speed dating seems mostly for uggos and the shy. Of course, I’m one of the people at speed dating, so I probably take it easy on my fellow daters, but it’s my review and I can have a catty moment if I feel like it. Anyway, we meet a couple with teeth so bad that I can’t stop wondering how they have the money to come here but haven’t gotten dental surgery. We meet a woman in a “bi, shy, and ready to cry” T-shirt that is very funny but also sums up a lot of the awkward vibe of the activity.[48]

Now we are back in the room for a lacuna. Pacing yourself is an important component of success here. You’re paying so much for it and the clock is always ticking, so there’s a temptation to go all out at all times, but that’s a recipe for disaster. Even a dedicated drug person will fall out after this long.[49]

[46] Which is rampant here. I didn’t realize until now how much it snowed in the tropics.

[47] An open-air orgy space/BDSM Dungeon.

[48] Which was still fun, but we’re not going for the laughs.

[49] There are always exceptions, of course. I once camped at The Burn with a thoracic surgeon who took acid continuously without sleeping for seven straight days, dosing 3-4 times a day, and on like day six of this managed to get his dick hard in the Orgydome in front of a hundred people, keep it hard while having sex with a condom on, and then achieve orgasm. It remains a feat of sexual potency and prowess that I can hardly believe was real even though I saw it happen, so what I’m saying is that anything is possible!

I’m not a gag Hat/Shirt guy but here were the best five I saw this week:

—“I Bang Dilfs” on a hat worn by a tiny schoolteacher from Boston.

—“I Eat Ass”, simple but effective

—“I want five guys” on a wisp of a housewife from the upper midwest who couldn’t have weighed more than 80 lbs soaking wet.

—“Ask me about my Hotwife”, and you’d best believe I did.

—“I’m here for the gangbang”, and yes he was a dead ringer for Todd Phillips, director and gangbang-cameo star of “Old School”.

DAY THREE

One of the risks you take in group sex as a man is not being able to get your dick hard. I think fear of this is a big thing that keeps many men away[50], and not for nothing—if you swing long enough, it will almost certainly happen to you, and it actually happened to me today!

I was out in the sun all day long today, had definitely been drinking, and then right when we were starting to play, something annoying happened[51] that put me in my head, and suddenly I was in a totally non-sexual head space, right as this six-way was starting, and I just couldn’t get back into it. Incredibly frustrating, since I had been very excited moments before. And, of course, once it happens even for a moment, it’s too easy to get in your head with *trying* to get your dick hard instead of thinking about how sexy the situation is and how much you want the person who is in front of you, and once you get to that place, it’s game over.[52]

Cialis and its ilk are ubiquitous here, and in swinging generally, and if you’re going to come here you should definitely get some[53], but I assure you that if you get really in your head, boner pills will not save you. They are a physical boost, but they do not fix a noisy brain. It’s like getting the yips in baseball—the problem is not that your body can’t throw to first base, and a drug that made you throw the ball harder[54] would not solve the problem!

Here is what you should not do if this happens to you: Panic, apologize profusely, blame anyone else, or otherwise make yourself the center of attention. If you feel yourself getting to that place, just say you feel sick and need to stop. Nobody will be mad, and if they are then they’re dickheads you shouldn’t be playing with anyway.

Here is what you *should* do if it happens to you, what I’m proud to say I did today: Chill out and try to get back to enjoying yourself. Sometimes that head change will be enough to get things going again! But even if it’s not, there are other things in a sexual encounter to enjoy and appreciate. I’m by no means a voyeur, but touching and kissing and talking with everybody made me really happy, and it was a nice moment in time that I didn’t turn into a shitty one by letting my ego be at stake in a situation of which I was not in control. There’s a lesson there!

The other lesson is to pick the right partner. Boy can it feel high stakes if your partner gets uptight about your body not cooperating, but someone you’re actually secure in and trust fully can give you the confidence that, as bad as any given moment might be going, ultimately you will be fine.

I’m not talking about my wife’s experience much this week, because the subject matter is sensitive and okay also I’m a self-centered and navel-gazing writer who loves being the center of attention, but make no mistake—Swinging is a couples activity. Just know that in the background of me walking around and having these thoughts there existed this week an open line of communication between my wife and I, much sharing of feelings and checking in, and that if you decide to go to Hedo, you’d better be able to communicate honestly and effectively with your partner, or you’re going to have a bad time.

So the sex ended, as sex always does, and it wasn’t all I hoped it could be but that was fine. I did feel somewhat low-energy and introverted the rest of the day, though, so I turned in early. I’ll try again tomorrow, both in terms of my erection and my social batteries.

In truth, I’m much more worried about the social batteries. My dick gets hard pretty reliably, including a bunch this week already, but being at Hedo, daytime or night time, is a gauntlet of extraversion, and there’s a baseline component of constant talking and friendliness in very loud environments that I find taxing a good deal of the time. It’s necessary and reasonable[55] given the circumstances, but it’s my least favorite part of the week, and for many people it’s reason enough that they should not come here and try.

[50] It’s hardly ever a listed reason, but it’s my hunch.

[51] I am intentionally being vague here. The person who annoyed me is not responsible for my limp dick, and I don’t want even that person to know who they are if they happen to read this.

[52] Or, as a very funny man said to my wife this week, “It’s dead, Broski.”

[53] And I, in point of fact, had taken some when this happened to me today.

[54] (so to speak, hehe—I’m trying to not just do this constantly but this one was a happy accident and I’m keeping it.)

[55] With the notable exception of the music volume, which should be half of what it is, and that is an objective fact, not my opinion.

Five random observations about the resort that didn’t fit in anywhere else:

1. The room bathrooms are small and just okay, but the out-and-about bathrooms are plentiful, well-located, and luxurious, with full door stalls, European-style, which is a very nice touch.
2. The nude pool somehow stays incredibly clean, despite the fact that there are drunk, nude people carrying drinks in it and screwing in and around it about 21 hours a day. The absolute chemist who comes in at 4 a.m. to get that thing ready for the next day is the Walter White of pool guys and I guarantee you he should make more money.
3. It really helps socially if you get some kind of recognizable article of clothing and wear it consistently all week. Hats are definitely the favored option[56], although I’ve seen sunglasses or watches work also. It helps give you an identity, which really helps supplement the name tags, especially if you have a common name.
4. The guys on the beach that you buy drugs from—there are three of them at busy times—have a system where they all wait down at one end of the beach, and then one at a time they walk the length of the beach and back. It’s best not to approach the ones who are waiting so as not to make them uncomfortable. Stand on the beach and let them come to you, which they will absolutely, definitely do.[57]
5. Underpack on clothes, especially shirts, but do bring at least one nice-ish outfit[58] and spend the rest of your suitcase real estate on costumes and sex toys.

[56] Our quad got matching hats for the pool this year and they have been a hit.

[57] As far as quality, our friend brought a testing kit and the Molly was quite good. Supposedly the coke was the same though I did not imbibe. This is as expected—these guys are clearly operating with the tacit blessing of the resort, and they’re not going to get that if they’re either poisoning or ripping off guests. Plus it’s such a plum concession to get anyway that why would they take a chance? It’s not like you can’t make money selling people quality drugs!

[58] I cannot recommend linen highly enough in this climate.

DAY SIX

More on limp dicks in group sex: People think of swinging as somehow like the porn they have watched, but it’s not like that. The men here are experienced and horny, but they are not professionals, and crucially there is no editing![59]

This means that a lot of the group sex—even, again, with ubiquitous boner pills of prescription strength—is conducted with dicks in various states of hardness and softness. Sure, sometimes a guy just gets hard as a rock in front of fifty people and can fuck for hours, but also, many people return year after year, meaning many of the people who are swinging together have known each other for years and achieved a level of comfort more like an on-again-off-again boyfriend/girlfriend type of relationship. The nuances make a huge difference in turgidity and tumescence!

This goes double for orgasms, for both genders. Again, some people[60] have zero trouble, but I have talked to multiple men on this trip alone who say they literally never orgasm during lifestyle play.

I’m guessing this seems nuts to a lot of people who have never been in this sort of scene, for whom sex is a less complicated proposition. People make this their entire hobby, they spend thousands of dollars on it, knowing in advance that they are not going to do the part of sex that any normal person would say is easily the best part.

So what gives?

Well, a lot of these encounters are about the newness and thrill of bodies touching; the recognition of like-minded people and the desire to be close with them; extreme sexual practices[61] that are only safe to do with experienced people; a desire to identify one’s self outside of acceptable societal norms[62]; social status and validation; a deep psychological need to feel you are getting the most out of life; an openness to experience trait set so high that you are constantly getting bored with the routines necessary to maintain a reasonably comfortable existence.

Zero percent of that stuff depends on achieving orgasm, or even getting your dick hard.

I love this quote from Oscar Wilde: “Everything is about sex, except sex. Sex is about power.” This place proves that saying true because if there ever were a place where sex was just about sex, it would be here, but it’s not.[63] I look around the dining hall and the nude pool and what I see is an incredible mass of complex psychologies that are being served by what’s different about this place and the freedom that difference enjoins.[64]

[59] In other words, loss of wood while filming porn is also common, you just don’t see that part, except for people with that kink, for whom their are compilations of such porn moments to sate their longing for humiliation.

[60] Especially some women.

[61] e.g. gangbangs, of which there are several organized during this week.

[62] Which, as discussed, is getting harder to do as society gets coarsened (numbed?) by the internet.

[63] My guess is that many of my fellow guests would disagree, and reasonable minds can certainly see things differently.

[64] Freedom, of course, being a form of power, to bring it back to the Wilde quote.

DAY FIVE

Tougher day today. Less fun and we skipped out early on the party tonight. We are both tired, we don’t really want to drink heavily anymore, and the music is just so fucking loud. Beyond that, though, a full week of this exposes the limitations of the genre. It’s just so much sex, all the time, that it is easy to get tipped over into nothing actually feeling sexy[65].

Like just today—My wife and I woke up and had sex, then later I went to the pool and had more sex, then I talked to people while other people had sex around me, and we talked about who was hot and who wanted to have sex with whom, then we all got into sexy costumes and went to dinner, then watched a professional show that was heavy on simulated sex, then a play party immediately started where everyone was dancing and doing BDSM and having sex. And that was a slow day!

It can be like eating too much sugar, where suddenly sweets seem inedible, and only eating something salty will restore the deliciousness of sugar. I was at the party tonight and suddenly it all just seemed sort of gross and contrived and a chore. Instead of exciting and spontaneous, the sex seemed impersonal and transactional and I didn’t want to be around it anymore, so we came back to the room and watched Severance, which was certainly a dose of salt to cure my sweet tooth!

Also, wanting to be sober is a problem here, and I really like being sober these days, especially for sex. The music volume and the socializing demands really incentivize me to drink, but every drink I have makes the sex less enjoyable![66]

The flip side of that coin is that when I’m sober, I find people who are really fucked up pretty annoying[67], and less sexy. And I definitely find the sex I can have with really fucked up people much less interesting than the sex I can have with sober people whom I trust.

What obsesses me about sex is the nuance, the intensity, the intimacy. It is one of the most direct ways to access another person’s consciousness. And, if their consciousness is impaired, then you just can’t have that kind of intense, connected sex.[68] The best environment for the kind of sex I want to have is sober and quiet, so it really sticks out that this place is the diametric opposite of that!

It’s still extremely fun. Genitals in mouths feels real good. Exhibitionism by the pool is a thrill, and there are a hell of a lot of pretty, slutty people here. For many people, that’s plenty, and God bless them. But for me it has this saccharine quality where I love it for a while, until my tolerance is gone in an instant.

What seems crazy to me is that these people are all so hot and so overtly slutty, and many of them are actually also smart and interesting and charismatic… they shouldn’t need all this to want to fuck each other! Sex is the greatest pleasure available to humankind—what are we even doing with the headache-inducing music and the constant grind of activities?[69]

I keep having this fantasy that everybody feels this way—that if we only turned the music to a reasonable volume and kicked the coke dealer off the beach and didn’t wait to open the playroom or the piano bar until 10 pm, and we could all eat and lounge and talk in peace until we knew who we actually liked as human beings, everyone would be happier.

Looking around the actual resort at the other guests and staff and the fact that Hedo has been in business a really long time, I am forced to acknowledge this for a fantasy—most people seem to revel in this. At this moment, alone in my room while my wife sleeps beside me, accompanied by the sound of the crackling air conditioner and the distant thump of drums, it is a lonely realization.

[65] I imagine this is a ‘duh’ for many readers, but Hedo is literally the first time this has ever really happened to me.

[66] Not NOT enjoyable, but less, and I’m a worse lover.

[67] Molly isn’t so bad, but there’s also a ton of coke here, and oh, man.

[68] There is a TON to fill this out that simply will not fit into this review, but that paragraph is the essence.

[69] I have a longstanding fantasy about starting a sex resort in the mountains, where I prefer the weather, that has the vibe of more of a self-improvement/retreat/festival atmosphere, with nature and hiking and a hobby farm and no cocaine, but also with an overtly sexual component like Hedo has. If any wealthy slut wants to bankroll this, I am willing to construct, run, and be the face of it. Get in touch. Despite the pessimism of the following paragraphs, I am convinced that this could be an extremely successful venture and that there’s a demographic of people who would never go to Hedo but who would love this.

Amazing things I have seen and/or done this week that are prurient and unnecessary to the review per se but which I felt impelled to include:

—A man getting a blowjob while eating a breakfast burrito.

—A woman strapped to a spanking bench beside the nude pool, while dozens of people were invited up to take turns spanking her, and most of the people in the pool not even reacting or noticing that this was happening in their vicinity.

—Three couples having sex in the window of three adjacent hotel rooms simultaneously, without seeming to have coordinated the triple show or even being aware of each other.

—A woman wearing high heels, a feather boa, a bejeweled tiara, and nothing else, puking into a trash can.

—A six way on the raft just offshore at the nude beach, with 50+ people watching from the beach, and a Sandals Resort tour boat with incredible timing parked twenty feet farther offshore with two dozen squares aboard, all absolutely losing their minds watching the show.

—A woman explaining in all seriousness that she felt bad that men were going to be excluded from the all-girl orgy someone had organized, and so she was going to try to suck as much dick as possible during it to “make things right, karmically”.

DAY EIGHT

On the plane home. Back in the square world, civilization, boring old life as it exists almost everywhere. Unhappy, unattractive people haunt the edges of my vision. Everyone is on their phones. The barriers of politeness that keep me from talking to anyone I want at any time feel thick and obtrusive and oppressive, compared to the open-hearted ease of the atmosphere beside the nude pool. What Burners call “The Default World” is suffused with distance, from other and from self, so thoroughly that it’s difficult to even notice until you get to a place where a special group of people cast the arcane spell that removes the distance, at least temporarily.

That is the real magic of Hedo. The sex is a byproduct of the demographic and the intention, but the secret sauce that allows those ingredients to coalesce into hot sex and profound freedom is the feeling in the hearts of those who seek escape from the stilted, bureaucratic, unsexy world into which we’ve all been consigned.

It’s summer camp for sluts, in concept. But in fullness it is a great deal more, a release from shackles most people will never even know they’re wearing, or will mistake for armor if they do notice. Those who come and come back to this place are seeking not just sex, not mere play, but an ecstatic state of being that is wholly unavailable elsewhere, having been stamped out of existence by the insane capitalistic impulse to flatten everything, to make everything like the most profitable thing, without a thought or care for the human spirit.

Hedo is, of course, a capitalistic enterprise. Indeed, it is prohibitively expensive and environmentally dodgy and exploitative of the locals in all the traditionally capitalistic ways. And yet, and this is a paradox I can’t really explain, the energy there fights back against that very logic, the very scheme that enables its existence, by providing a venue to seek something that cannot be bought, cannot even be given, but can only be conjured by those with the discernment to avoid speaking its name too loudly, lest it be frightened away.

If you don’t love sex or can’t imagine sharing your partner, then you shouldn’t go to Hedo. But you—and all of us—must seek these spaces, this openness, this awareness and energy, in some form or another, because the smothering effects of the bureaucratic capitalistic machine are a ratchet, and will only press more and more heavily as we approach the impending A.I. panopticon dystopia.[70]

Viva Hedo. Viva Young Swingers Week. I can’t say if I’ll be back, because right now the idea of doing this again makes me anxious bordering on nauseous, but I know that I will think of this place, with a shiver down my spine, and yearn for it when the banal, quotidian torture of daily life is at its most menacing.

It’s wild to be back out in the square world. Everything seems dulled. I’m walking the concourse and looking at faces and so many of the eyes seem dead. I didn’t realize how alive everyone seemed there until I was gone.

Going to Hedo really highlights the ephemeral and simulacrum nature of sex in the square world. There’s this glossy sheen over ~everything of the most fake and feeble sexuality. It feels like the straight world was designed by a space alien that had read a lot about human sexuality but never actually performed the act or talked to anyone who had.

That is the way the Hedo still feels dangerous and relevant—not that we’re going to be outcasts but that we’re the keepers of some ancient wisdom, that sexuality is not only about aesthetics and status, but also at some point about bodies in contact, eyes meeting in desire of uncertain depth, doing the thing that humans were more than any other act designed to accomplish.

Back here on the outside, I feel sad for these people, who don’t have the nervous system or the life experience or whatever it is that not only allows me to do this but compels me to do it. I’m grateful to have been made this way, and I’m grateful to Hedo for proving, more than anyone or anything else ever has, that I am not alone.

[70] (If we’re in the good part of the distribution!)