The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck, by Mark Manson

“The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck” is most similar to William Irwin’s “A Guide to the Guide Life: The Ancient Art of Stoic Joy,” but with way more swearing. The author, Mark Manson, also extols the virtues of pain, failure, and rejection, but includes personal anecdotes and a Panda that specializes in emotional facepunches. The key to happiness is to make your circle of concern overlap with your circle of control, and not give a fuck about anything outside of it. It is a subtle art, though, and just an exercise in not caring about anything, as you should and must still give a fuck about something, and must choose these things wisely. I remember finding this book revelatory the first time I read it, but found it less so when I reread it for this review, similar to what Scott said many people felt about the Sequences. I think the ideas in the book have become more mainstream and have found more acceptance now. It is trendy to not give 110% at your soulless corporate job and live in a tiny house instead of a mansion. It is no longer shocking, if it ever was, to say that money, sex, and status provide only superficial highs and that healthy relationships, enjoyable hobbies, and honest work are much better goals to pursue. The ideas in the book also aligned well with my preconceptions, and fear this might be a case of “reverse any advice you hear.” A pseudo intellectual slacker is the type of person that a book titled “The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck” is going to appeal to and is probably the type of person who could also stand to give more of a fuck. The status obsessed model or anxiety ridden workaholic who would most benefit from this book are unlikely to pick it off the shelf. Despite these concerns I still whole-heartedly recommend the book.

“When you give a fuck about everyone and everything… This is a sickness. And it will eat you alive. You will see every adversity as an injustice, every challenge as a failure, every inconvenience as a personal slight, every disagreement as a betrayal. You will be confined to your petty, skull-sized hell.”

Chapter 1 is basically just stating the problem the author is trying to solve, as summarized by the excellent quote above. People have lost the ability to be okay with things going badly. They think everything must be perfect at all times, or something is fundamentally wrong with the universe. Later in the book he also explains that believing everything must be terrible at all times or something is fundamentally wrong with the universe is part of the same problem.

Unsurprisingly Mark is a big fan of Buddhism, in particular the observation that all life is suffering but you shouldn’t give a fuck about suffering. Modern life has tried to remove suffering from our lives rather than teach us how to live with suffering. Instead Mark says to try to replace the suffering in your life with better suffering, or replace your problems with better problems. Getting in shape may replace your problem of not being able to get a date with the problem of weirdos hitting on you everywhere you go. It is up to you to decide which problem is the one you would rather have.

This leads to the most useful practical advice in the book, asking yourself what pain and struggle do you want in your life. Almost everybody wants an interesting and high-paying job, an attractive and loving partner, and to be popular and well-respected. Saying you want these things tells you nothing about how to get them or if you will ever be able to get them. Instead ask what problems you want in your life. Do you want to work 60+ hour weeks to get that interesting and high-paying job? Or would you rather have the problem of having a boring job or not being rich than the problem of never having any free time? Do you want to spend all your free time and money taking loser after loser out on dates to find the perfect romantic partner? Or would you rather have the problem of being alone or not having the hottest or most interesting spouse? Would you rather have the problem of being out of shape or the problem of having to spend hours at the gym? This is the major factor that defines success, in whatever way you want to define success. The people in the best shape are the ones that enjoy the struggle of exercise in and of itself the most, not the ones with the most willpower or the ones that want to be fit the most. I find this to be a useful question to ask yourself that may not be at the top of your mind when making life decisions. If you are trying to decide between two places to live or two jobs or whatever, focus on the worst-case scenarios or at least the negatives of each first. Don’t just think about the fat salary that one job is offering, think about the struggle of working overtime every week. Maybe you don’t mind that struggle or even think you will enjoy it, but you should focus on the struggle rather than the reward when making the decision.

The third chapter opens with the obvious advice of don’t be an arrogant narcissistic asshole who thinks they are destined for greatness, but segways into arguing that woe-is-me types are making the same kind of mistake.

“Most people correctly identify a person like Jimmy as a raging narcissistic ass-hat. That’s because he’s pretty blatant in his delusionally high self-regard. What most people don’t correctly identify as entitlement are those people who perpetually feel as though they’re inferior and unworthy of the world. Because constructing everything in life so as to make yourself out to be constantly victimized requires just as much selfishness as the opposite.”

The idea that you are unique is the mistake, you probably aren’t remarkably great or terrible, and thousands if not millions have people face the same challenges as you every day. And this is a good thing, because it means that your problems are mundane and solvable. Social media and regular media focus on and encourage the most extreme behaviors both positive and negative, but they are very unrepresentative of real life.

There are many historical anecdotes throughout the book, but probably the most fascinating is the story of Hiroo Onoda in chapter four, who continued to fight World War 2 until 1972, when a hippie named Norio Suzuki did what several governments tried to and failed to do, found him and convinced him the war was over. Mark both praises Hiroo as a man who dedicated himself to a cause and found much joy in it even through suffering, and condemns him as a murderer who had a terrible value system. It is rare for people to introspect deep enough to examine their own values, such as why do they want that promotion at work, why do they need to be invited to the cool kids party on Saturday, etc. These questions often end with uncomfortable answers like “I don’t want my dad to think I’m a failure” or “I only like myself when other people like me.”

Values end up affecting your happiness and self-satisfaction more than what actually happens in your life. Dave Mustaine and Pete Best were both kicked out of famous bands, Metallica and The Beatles, respectively. Dave rebounds almost immediately and starts an almost as successful band Megadeth, where Pete is depressed for a while and then settles into a boring normal life. However, Dave reports still feeling inferior for being kicked out of Metallica, and Pete is thankful he was kicked out of the Beatles. Dave valued fame and success relative to Metallica, which was an even stupider value than fame and success in general, and despite being extremely successful, is still unhappy. Pete realized that fame and success are often not compatible with happiness, and having a loving family and a decent life are much better values.

Mark provides 3 useful rules for identifying good values; reality-based, socially constructive, and immediate/controllable. Later he also adds that they should be ongoing. Honesty is a good value because it matches reality, benefits others, is entirely within your control, and it is known to yourself whether or not you are being honest. It is also a value that can be practiced throughout your entire life. Popularity is a bad value because you can be mistaken about whether you are actually popular or not, whether or not you are popular is largely out of your control, and your being popular does not help anyone else. Hiroo’s allegiance to the Empire of Japan was a terrible value because it wasn’t based in reality (the empire had been gone for decades) and it was socially destructive (he attacked innocent civilians for no reason). Mark believes that the only true method of self-improvement is to choose and live according to better values. The rest of the chapters each cover an important value, the ability to accept responsibility, accept doubt, accept failure, accept rejection, and accept mortality.

Responsibility in this case does not mean that everything that happens to you is caused by you or is your own fault, but that you are always choosing how to respond to whatever happens to you. It is your own actions that one must always take responsibility for. And taking responsibility for your own actions is the first step needed to change them. A point that is implied but not outright stated is that you are better off assuming too much responsibility than too little. Assuming too much may be stressful but will also be motivating, while assuming too little leads to helplessness and a victim mentality. I think it might be fair to say that having a victimhood mentality is always a bad thing, even if you are in fact a victim of something terrible.

Doubt and uncertainty are treated as good things which force one to learn and grow.

“There is no correct dogma or perfect ideology. There is only what your experience has shown you to be right for you-and even then, that experience is probably somewhat wrong too. And because you and I and everybody else all have differing needs and personal histories and life circumstances, we all inevitably come to differing “correct” answers about what our lives mean and how they should be lived.”

It is an almost Popperian method of continually testing values and discarding bad ones, without ever endorsing the surviving ones as actually being true. I think Mark is coming from the right place, but I think you can and should come to a more definite conclusion about what values are worthwhile than what he seems to be suggesting in this chapter. At one point he literally says “all beliefs are wrong, some are just less wrong than others.” It also somewhat undermines him, as he admits that he is saying that his current values are likely wrong and will be modified by future Mark. Perhaps I am just following his advice faithfully by doubting that doubt is always a good value to accept.

Despite these concerns, there is some really good stuff in this chapter. The worst and most deluded people you are likely to meet are the ones most certain about something. They are certain the election was stolen, certain that police are hunting black men for sport, certain that God is talking to them. People that consider these ideas but not certain about them are unlikely to do anything terrible in response, and can be reasoned out of them.

Chapter seven is about how fear of failure stymies opportunities for growth. Your identity as a great artist that no one has heard of is threatened both by becoming a famous artist and by becoming a failed artist, so you never actually show anyone any of your art. Your identity as a loving wife stops you from leaving your no-good, cheating husband. Mark dips into Buddhism again here and states you should have as little identity as possible, ideally no identity. It is just another trap that prevents you from learning and growing.

A piece of practical advice that was useful for writing this very review was the “do something principle.” Don’t wait to feel motivated to start working on something, just start working on it. The very act of working on it will often be motivating in and of itself and it will be much easier to continue working on it. “Do something” is also a good value under Mark’s system, being practicable your entire life, immediately doable, immediately known whether you are meeting the value, and often good for others.

The final chapter is appropriately enough about death. Most of the chapter is about his friend Josh dying when Mark was nineteen. Unsurprisingly, the main lesson is to not fear death and that trying to avoid death or trying to force others to remember and revere you after death is a mistake. Observant readers may not notice I did not say anything about the chapter on rejection, as it was just what I thought of very obvious advice don’t date toxic people and don’t enable them if you are dating one. In general I found progressively less to say about each chapter as the book went on, I’m not sure if it is because the quality declined, the lessons became more repetitive or obvious, or they just did not speak to me as much as the earlier ones.

One criticism I have with the book is that Mark references multiple life changing events, but he didn’t seem to learn much from each of them. His friend’s death, his girlfriend cheating on him, and his worldwide trip are all supposed to be life changing and enlightening experiences, but the wake-up call from his friend’s death didn’t solve his problems with relationships, and realizing he was a shitty partner to his girlfriend didn’t solve his committee issues either. I know part of the lesson of the book is to always be learning and growing and never declare that you are done, but I would hope the lessons become smaller and less necessary over time. A problem with claiming to always be learning and growing is that I should much rather listen to you in 10 years than you now.

Mark opened the book with the story of Charles Bukowski, an alcoholic, perverted loser who nevertheless became a successful poet and novelist, largely by honestly writing about his own experiences as a loser. Even after becoming successful he still continued drinking, gambling, and womanizing just like he did when he just had a dead end job at the post office. I have thought about it for weeks and I am still not sure whether he is supposed to be an inspiration, a warning, or both. The lesson could be that being honest with yourself is the most important value and that even with many other flaws you can still be successful if you have that honesty. Or it could be that success is pointless if you are still the same miserable, unpleasant person you were before you were successful. The complimentary tone of the first chapter seems to point towards the first interpretation, but most of the lessons later in the book would match better with the second. I can’t imagine that Charles’ values of spending all available money on booze and hitting on any women he met could meet Mark’s requirements for strong values. Dave Mustaine was criticized for being unhappy despite being successful in his chosen field, and any criticism of him should apply even more to Charles. I am unsure if the fact that Charles was likely happier with himself than Dave was counts as a defense or not. I think there is a fundamental tension here between “not giving a fuck” and being a stable, well-adjusted, social person. If you don’t give a fuck about what people think of you at all you are unlikely to have many relationships or be pleasant to be around, although you also won’t be a slave to trends or peer pressure. This is the root of my concern that the advice in the book applies best to the people least likely to read it. I think there is also some ambiguity if the book is supposed to be a guide on how to determine your own values or whether it is presenting the correct values for everyone.

I am being overly critical of the book in this review, and I do want to remind everyone that I am recommending it. The book is amusing, very readable, and could be life changing for the right person. It has also recently been turned into a documentary, although my understanding is that the documentary is mostly just readings from the book with accompanying shorts. The author also has a blog at markmanson.net, which like the book is excellent at first but may become repetitive if you actually read every post.