US Census Review: A Biblical Perspective

10,000 orcs would have been plenty,

if he hadn’t doomed himself by counting them up.

The decennial census and its consequences have been a disaster for the United States.

In Article 1, Section 2, the US Constitution mandates when a population census shall be taken: “The actual Enumeration shall be made within three Years after the first Meeting of the Congress of the United States, and within every subsequent Term of ten Years, in such Manner as they shall by Law direct.”

Why require a census at all, though? And why every ten years? In the context of Article 1, it is clear the main purpose of the census is for apportioning representation in the House of Representatives, since the seats each state is allotted are based on that state’s relative population. The writers of the constitution realized that this proportion was bound to change over time. According to notes from the Constitutional Convention, this led to some controversy. At the time the Constitution was written, the northern states were more populous than the southern, and the western states didn’t exist at all. But the delegates knew that the population of the south was growing in proportion to the north, and that western states would soon join as well. Some delegates from the north didn’t want to require a census at all, or would prefer it left up to the judgment of the legislature when one was needed. But others argued that it would never be in the interest of a legislature dominated by a shrinking majority to take a census, when that census would inevitably narrow, or even reverse their majority. Some worried that if things were left up to the legislature, it would choose never to recount population and reapportion congressional seats at all. (If you think US voting districts are unfairly gerrymandered now, imagine how bad the problem would be if they were drawn based on population data from 1790.) In the end, those worried about fair re-apportioning of representation won out. The census was written into the constitution to prevent states with slower-growing populations from clinging to disproportionate power.

Thus did the delegates agree on mandating a census every 10 years. But in their pride, they forgot that they were a nation of God — and that they would be judged as such! Now, not all censuses are biblically forbidden — for instance, Moses took a census of the Israelites (or at least of their fighting forces). But his census was explicitly commanded by God. Other, uncondoned censuses – like those required in documents written by men, such as constitutions – are a different matter. The folly of David repeats itself! (No, not the one where he steals the wife of Uriah the Hittite after peeking on her bathing from his palace roof, and arranges for the death of her husband to cover up the scandal.)

Specifically, the folly from 2 Samuel 24:

Again the anger of the Lord burned against Israel, and he incited David against them, saying, “Go and take a census of Israel and Judah.” So the king said to Joab and the army commanders with him, “Go throughout the tribes of Israel from Dan to Beersheba and enroll the fighting men, so that I may know how many there are.”

It took David’s census takers nine months and twenty days to complete the count, finding that, “In Israel there were eight hundred thousand able-bodied men who could handle a sword, and in Judah five hundred thousand.”

But David barely had a chance to take iniquitous pride in the number of his people before he realized he had messed up:

David was conscience-stricken after he had counted the fighting men, and he said to the Lord, “I have sinned greatly in what I have done. Now, Lord, I beg you, take away the guilt of your servant. I have done a very foolish thing.” Before David got up the next morning, the word of the Lord had come to Gad the prophet, David’s seer: “Go and tell David, ‘This is what the Lord says: I am giving you three options. Choose one of them for me to carry out against you.’” So Gad went to David and said to him, “Shall there come on you three years of famine in your land? Or three months of fleeing from your enemies while they pursue you? Or three days of plague in your land? Now then, think it over and decide how I should answer the one who sent me.”

It is clear how this scenario played out five years ago under first-term President Trump. The 2020 census found a population of 331 million souls residing within in this One Nation, Under God. Busy golfing, Trump realized only too late that God’s swift vengeance was upon him, for such sacrilegious numbering would never go unpunished long. And faced with the three options of famine, war, or plague, he made the biblically-approved choice:

David said to Gad, “I am in deep distress. Let us fall into the hands of the Lord, for his mercy is great; but do not let me fall into human hands.” So the Lord sent a plague on Israel from that morning until the end of the time designated, and seventy thousand of the people from Dan to Beersheba died.

And when the plague was at its apex, David realized he could not allow his people to continue suffering from his own mistakes:

When David saw the angel who was striking down the people, he said to the Lord, “I have sinned; I, the shepherd, have done wrong. These are but sheep. What have they done? Let your hand fall on me and my family.”

Donald and Melania Trump both caught Covid in October, 2020.

Thus, every 10 years does the land of the free and the home of the brave sin against their heavenly protector, and every 10 years do they repent of their sin through one of the three options – war, plague, or famine (broadly construed) – as chosen by the sitting president. Alas, had they called up the ghosts of Samuel and Saul, they could well have warned them of the consequences of ignoring the will of God!

Census takers themselves, of course, suffer their own personal punishment for participating in such impiety:

This vicious cycle all started back under the nation’s very first President – Washington. In 1790, the first census was taken, finding the US population to number just under 4 million souls. When God came to Washington to chastise him for his prideful counting, Washington made the choice one would expect of the general who won the War of Independence – and the following year, US troops suffered bitter defeat in the Harner and St. Clair’s offensives of the Northwest Indian War.

In 1800, alas, the country did not learn its lesson. Another census was taken, and the US population was found to number more than 5 million. President Jefferson made the same decision as his predecessor, and so began the First Barbary War with Tripoli.

In 1810, under President Madison, the US population was counted at over 7 million — and for the first time, New York was the most populous state in the union, surpassing Virginia. It is no surprise then that the bitter consequences of their pride fell upon New York in the Great Fire of 1812.

In 1820, under President Monroe, with the US population approaching 10 million souls, Monroe for the first time dared repeat the choice of David. Again, New York bore the brunt of God’s retribution, as a yellow fever outbreak swept through New York City.

In 1830, President Jackson permitted the census to count up the 12 million people in the country. Jackson, veteran of the many Indian wars in the south, of course chose war, and thus followed Nat Turner’s rebellion of 1831.

The 1840 census found 17 million souls residing in the country. The newly inaugurated President Harrison chose plague — and in the grand tradition of David, chose to take the sin upon himself rather than leave the country to suffer, dying of illness only one month into his presidency.

In 1850, with more than 23 million people numbered within the country’s borders, President Taylor made the same choice as his last census-taking predecessor, dying of illness a mere year into his tenure.

The 1860 census found a population of more than 31 million, and President Lincoln chose war. The resulting Civil War is well remembered, since God, greatly angered by the people’s pride in such swift population growth, killed more than half a million in that terrible judgement.

But population growth and the counting thereof were not to be deterred. In 1870, under President Grant, the census counted nearly 40 million living within the country’s borders. Chicago, notably, jumped from ninth largest city in the past census, up to fifth, and paid a bitter price in the Great Chicago fire of 1871.

In 1880, under President Garfield, the counted population exceeded 50 million. We can only speculate on what Garfield said to God – but it is clear he paid the price personally, since he was shot July 2, 1881 by Charles J. Guiteau, and died of infection that September.

In 1890, under President Harrison, the population count reached nearly 63 million. Harrison chose famine, and in the period of 1890 to 1896, the country suffered a series of droughts.

In 1900, the census counted 76 million people. President McKinley followed in President Garfield’s footsteps, taking the country’s sin upon himself, and died September 14, 1901 from infection after being shot by the anarchist Leon Czolgosz (while in New York, still the largest state in the union).

In 1910, 92 millions were counted in the census under President Taft – and the Great Fire of 1910 burned 3 million acres in Washington, Idaho, and Montana.

In 1920, after allowing the population to be numbered at 106 million, President Wilson chose famine, and thus began the depression of 1920.

In 1930, the population was counted to be over 122 million. President Hoover also chose famine, and his great disfavor in the eyes of God earned the country no mercy, as it suffered through the Dustbowl and the Great Depression.

In 1940, the population was numbered at 132 million. President Roosevelt returned back to the great tradition of Washington and chose war. Thus did the Japanese bomb Pearl Harbor, and the US entered World War II.

In 1950, when the census tallied a population of more than 150 million, President Truman chose again as Roosevelt had – this time, the Korean War was the result.

In 1960, as the population was numbered at 179 million souls, President Kennedy chose war once more, ushering in the defeat at Bay of Pigs and the sending of the first US troops to Vietnam.

In 1970, the census counted 203 million people in the United States. President Nixon chose yet more war, resulting in another escalation in the war in Vietnam (which, as God’s anger continued to burn, had never ended) with the involvement of Cambodia.

In 1980, to repent of a population count of 226 million, President Reagan chose famine in the form of natural disaster – and California, now beating out New York as the most populous state in the union, paid for it dearly in the 7.3 magnitude Eureka earthquake on November 8th.

In 1990, after the census counted 248 million people in the country, George Bush Sr. went back to the traditional choice of war once more – thus beginning the Gulf War.

In 2000, as the census summed the 281 million souls within the borders, George Bush Jr. made the same choice as his father. But as a man less favored by God, he paid for it more dearly – with the 9/11 terrorist attacks, and the resulting wars in Iraq and Afghanistan.

Bush picked it, God did it.

In 2010, after allowing the census to count the population up to 308 million, President Obama made the bitter choice to suffer famine by ecological disaster, and the Deepwater Horizon oil spill loosed an unprecedented 4.9 million barrels of oil into the Gulf of Mexico.

Disaster upon disaster! It is clear, the will of God is not to be spurned lightly.

After the plague of 2020, one wonders — what’s next in 2030? Truly, the greatest decision the next president will have to make is not concerning budget or immigration, but rather the nature of the disaster to befall the country at the coming turn of the decade.

Unless, of course, the US at last elected a president to make that hardest and yet most obvious of choices — to end the census, once and for all. What matters representation by population, when the population must suffer war, famine, and plague as a result?

How can the US declare itself “One Nation Under God” and “In God We Trust,” when God cannot even trust the US not to blasphemously tally up its population every ten years? Surely, the US would prosper greatly as a nation if only it would stop enumerating the persons within its blessed borders!

The solution to all this country’s problems is as clear as it is simple: For the love of God, stop counting!